


The Shady Cousin of Love

by Nisaki



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel's POV, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Smut, Unrelated Winchesters, Unrequited Destiel, Unrequited Love, Wincest - Freeform, a very VERY brief suicide attempt that I'm tagging just in case but probably shouldn't, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-29 21:40:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12093981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nisaki/pseuds/Nisaki
Summary: Castiel was okay with being Dean’s best friend, that is until Sam Campbell enters their lives and ruins everything.





	The Shady Cousin of Love

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Sweet Emotions Challenge hosted by @ilostmyshoe-79, my prompt was Infatuation.  
> Thank you’s for my wonderful beta [efflorescentjared](https://efflorescentjared.tumblr.com/) and for [ilostmyshoe-79](https://ilostmyshoe-79.tumblr.com/) for holding this challenge, I had fun!

It's nights like this one, when he lies on his bed with longing burning in his chest and wishes that they never got financially stable enough for an apartment this big, when he knows that he'll give anything up if he can have Dean's breath in the same room again.

Nights like this one, when he seriously considers taking that old revolver buried deep in his closet and eating a bullet. On a night like tonight, he will try to find a name for his state of utter desperation, something to call the fire eating away at his soul.

Is it an illness?

He might never know.

He flips to his side, stares hard at the wall separating his room from Dean's; if he looks hard enough, he'll be able to imagine Dean's sleeping form. It was a long day at the garage, Dean was tired when he stumbled in. So Castiel thinks - _knows_ \- that Dean is sleeping on his stomach, one of his hands under his pillow and his full lips parted.

If he looks hard enough, he might get Dean's picture out of his head and on the wall, it's a shame he can't draw for shit. Or maybe for the best. He doesn't think his best friend would appreciate a giant painting of his face on Castiel's bedroom wall.

It doesn't matter anyway, Dean's not staying here for long.

His lids drop, his shoulders relaxing into the mattress, but his brain won't shut down, won't have mercy on him and let him sleep. It's been a little bit less than a year since the world fell apart, and he can't sleep.

**************

When Castiel met Dean for the first time, he was eleven and he was _Castiel_. The weird kid no one talked to. And he remembers that day with aching accuracy and vibrant colours.

He was sitting on the swing, wearing a sweater in August because he was never not cold, and his legs weren't long enough to reach the ground. He tried to sway himself, but to no avail and suddenly everything moved.

The air was punched out of him. In that moment for just a glimpse of a second when the swing went high, he'd believed that if he let go he'd be able to fly. Then a voice called to him.

''It's okay, I'll push you.''

He looked over his shoulder, and his grip on the chains went weak and he fell. He scraped his knees, and the boy who was just pushing his swing was now kneeling beside him and muttering apologies under his breath.

''I didn't mean to send you so high.''

His eyes were so green, and gravity stopped working right for Castiel that day. Whenever he fell, it was into blinding green.

He was _Cas_ from that day onward. And he was happy.

****************

The clock tick-tocks, tick-tocks and Cas feels it in his head, it's driving him insane. Like he's got something he's late for, and time is slipping from between his fingers like sand.

****************

When Dean was thirteen he had his first girlfriend; when Cas was thirteen he knew he was gay and in love with Dean.

Dean's girlfriend was blonde and cheerful, and she tried her best to be girly and cute. She wore too many ribbons and held her curls up in pigtails and she insisted on holding hands. Her name was Joanna, _just Jo_ she said. And Dean forgot about her three days after they made out behind the school. Cas knows because he followed Dean, he always did.

They were best friends since they met at the park. But Dean wasn't like him. Dean was made of spring and sunshine, the loud boy everyone fell in love with. The one who was cool, and fearless and people gathered around.

Cas was the kid with too many layers, the one who cocked his head to the side and stared and made people uncomfortable.

He was content trailing after Dean, and when someone asked, Dean introduced him with a shrugged shoulder and half a smile ''That's just Cas,'' like that statement was enough to make everything alright. For Castiel, it was, and for a long while he was okay with being Just Cas.

There were a lot of girls over the years, Dean forgot the names, Cas kept track. Obsessively memorizing every single person who got to touch Dean, mind working overtime to analyze what Dean might like about this one.

It took years. Endless nights of Dean stumbling back drunk and sated. It took Bella, Cassie, Jessica, Eleanor, Ruby, Anna and Lisa and one hundred more girls for Cas to know what Dean liked about them.

Girls, women. Dean liked women.

He didn't have a type either, tall or short, dark or pale. Dean loved women. So long as she was willing, Dean would show her a good time and they all left happy and Cas hated every single one of them.

Beautiful women, ugly women, lying women.

Then came _Sam._

Dean came back angry, muttering under his breath about spoiled rich kids. Announced with frustration that he hated Sam.

Sam's car had broken down and he stopped at Dean's garage, Dean had something against new cars that Cas never understood, and thought he never would. Anyway, Dean hated Sam.

There was something weird about _how_ he hated him though, Cas noticed because he always did, and it bothered him. Dean's hate towards Sam was almost obsessive, he talked about him all the time, cursing and bad mouthing the guy. The thing was, Dean didn't hate people like that, his usual hate was just a passing scowl when the name was mentioned. With Sam, it was like he couldn't _not_ talk about him.

A month later, Dean sat Cas down and asked him how he knew he was gay. It was the most embarrassing half hour of Cas's life, and the first time he lied to Dean.

''Why are you asking this anyway?''

Dean squirmed ''It's about Sam,''

''Sam? Sam Campbell _spoiled college kid Sam_?''

Dean nodded.

''What about him?'' Cas asked, felt his heart in his throat when Dean raised his head and had _that_ look on his face.

''I kissed him,'' he whispered, like he couldn't believe he did it, or couldn't believe he was telling Cas.

''You _what_?!'' Cas couldn't help the volume of his voice, the way he jumped from the couch as if it was on fire. ''You hate him!,'' he shouted, then stilled. Dean's words playing in his head like a record

_I hate him Cas! He drives me insane with his never ending intellectual arguments and his dimples and his stupid shaggy hair! I especially hate how tall he is, and that he wears these stupid tight jeans. He's so fucking ugh!_

Dean was in love with Sam, and Cas realized it before Dean did.

It was dangerous, this Sam business. In the beginning, Cas thought it was a fluke. Dean would soon have a gay crisis and decide he was straight again, because you know he _was_. But it didn't happen.The damnedest thing, Dean was never this serious about anyone before, and he was talking about Sam all the time with stars in his eyes and a flush on his cheeks. The kind of breathless excitement Cas thought would be in his words if he ever talked about Dean.

After that, Cas tried a different approach. He'd never actively attempted to ruin Dean's relationships, mostly because there never were relationships.

He tried to keep Dean busy, to make him cancel on Sam, once he faked fainting and it had worked so well Dean forgot he was supposed to meet with Sam. But Sam forgave him every time like it was nothing.

 

It's been a month, and they were still together, the longest Dean had been with anyone.  

Dean was bringing Sam over tomorrow, he wanted to introduce him to Cas. ''Because you're my best friend and he's...my boyfriend, I thought it's time for you guys to meet,'' he told Cas.

It still made Cas's heartbeats irregular; the words _my_ _boyfriend_ coming out of Dean's mouth, he's never ever imagined hearing them.

 

Sam wasn't what Cas was expecting. He knew the guy was tall, Dean kept chattering about how he had to stand on tiptoes to kiss Sammy. It wasn't the height that surprised him.

It was the fact that he was so damn gorgeous that Cas lost his breath for a second and sputtered, he was young and tan. Honest, wide hazel eyes, and a soft smile, messy chocolate locks. Dean was looking at them expectantly and Cas offered his hand.

''Nice to meet you, Sam.''

''Yeah, you too. I've heard so much about you!'' Sam said, eying Dean sideways. Cas didn't tell him how much Dean talked about him, and the fact that Sam was basically _a siren_ made Cas hate him more.

They had a civil dinner, Cas was third wheeling his way through the meal, and the happy couple didn't even bother to include him. They've most likely forgot about him, and it was confirmed to him when Dean stood up and took Sam by the hand to his room.

Cas's eyes followed them all the way, Dean kicked the door behind him, but it didn't stay closed, the lock was broken and Dean kept forgetting to fix it. Cas got up and tiptoed near the door. He had a full view of Dean's bed and he peered into the room, careful so as not to be seen.

''It's nice,'' Sam informed, eyes still darting around the room. Dean flopped down on his bed, caught Sam's wrist and pulled Sam onto him. Sam ending up thrown over his thighs. Dean opened his legs so Sam's ass was on the mattress, and it made him shorter too, eyes almost level with Dean's.

Dean brought strong arms around Sam's waist, Cas has dreamt about being in this position, just simply sitting with Dean.

''So, did you like him?'' Dean asked, eagerness unmasked. They were talking about him, Cas felt that he was being approved of, and it should be the other way around. Dean should be worried about what _he_ thought of _Sam_.  

''Your friend?'' Sam placed his head on Dean's shoulder, one hand threading with Dean's on Sam's stomach. Cas stared at those long fingers, and bristled. ''I think he hates me,'' Sam said at last.

Cas held back a snort, at least the kid was perceptive.

''Nuh, that's just Cas. He's a little...'' Dean trailed off, furrowed his brows as he searched for the right word, then gave up and just shrugged ''Well, he's _Cas_.''

Sam snorted ''Very eloquent, Mr. Winchester.''

Dean buried his face in Sam's neck, and muttered a half hearted ''Shut up,'' He started kissing at the skin, and Sam squirmed on his lap.

''Dean!'' It was breathless, almost choked.

''Stay the night,'' Dean murmured.

''Dean...I..em..You, we...'' Sam stuttered.

''Not like that, I promised we'll go slow. Just to sleep, Sammy.'' Sam blushed and ducked his head, but Dean's gentle fingers were on his chin. Lifting his face up and connecting their lips.

They haven't had sex yet. A month and Sam didn't put out and Dean was okay with it. Cas trembled, placed his hand on the wall and kept staring at them as they kissed.

Sam was making desperate noises, little _mmms_ and _ahhs_ like he couldn't help himself. Dean laid him down so he was on his back with Dean on top of him, without breaking the kiss. Dean's eyes were shut, his fingers threaded in Sam's hair, and he was breathing hard. Kissing Sam like he would die if they broke apart.

''What are you doing to me, Sammy?'' Dean whispered between their lips, then reclaimed Sam's mouth. Cas could hear the broken moans, the labored breaths, could see the redness on Sam's cheek. And he should leave, he didn't want to see this.

Didn't want to see Dean giving himself completely to someone else, but he was rooted to the spot, eyes glued to the scene unfolding in front of him.

''Dean..I was..I...'' Sam gulped, hands gripping Dean's t-shirt.

''I want you,'' Sam was staring up at Dean in a way Cas was familiar with. The little cunt did love Dean, but he couldn't possibly love him as much as Cas. He wasn't good for him. Dean shouldn't be with a rich ass who didn't know him. Not when Cas has been here the whole time.

He wished Dean would say no, but Dean closed his eyes like it hurt and kissed Sam again.

Cas's heart shattered the moment Dean entered Sam, bled to the sound Sam let out. Tears streaming from both of their eyes, Sam crying because it was too good. Cas crying because it _hurt_.

He wanted to move and close his eyes but he couldn't. Their writhing, rocking bodies were the only thing he saw, the moans of their pleasure filling his ears.

Dean said ''I love you, Sam.'' And he could finally feel his legs. He walked away, shaking, face covered with tears and snot. He locked himself in his room, buried his face in his pillow, and god help him he could still hear them. Could still make out Sam's whimpers and Dean's praise and loving words. He fell asleep to the sound of Dean's ''I love you, sweetheart'' and dreamt Dean was saying it to him.

 

It didn't happen fast, but it did. Slowly, like water running in a small stream, Dean slipped away from him. Three months later, and Dean started talking about maybe _moving on with their life, and haven't they been roommates for too long? And come on, Cas, you deserve to be with someone too_.

Cas hated it.

A few months passed, and Dean was almost never home, he slept five days at Sam's every week, and sometimes he only got home to grab a change of clothes. Cas's hatred towards Sam grew, sitting heavy over his heart and threatening to choke him if he didn't do something about it soon.

He came back to the sound of a heated argument one day; he knew instantly that it was Sam and Dean. He opened the door slowly, and silently made his way to the kitchen where the voices were coming from.

''And then what?'' Sam sounded exasperated. ''We wait for another three months and then _what_ , Dean?''

Dean didn't answer, and Cas could picture him looking at the ground. He heard Sam's sigh and when Sam spoke next, it wasn't with the same edge.

''Please don't look like that, Dean. If you don't want to move, then it's fine. You know I'll do whatever you want.''

There was a breath of _Sammy_ then steps, a thud and a muffled _omph!_ from Sam, Cas risked a glance. Just like he thought, Dean's pulled Sam into his arms.

''You know there's nothing I want more than waking up to you every morning, baby.'' He said, and Sam melted into him. For a guy this tall, it must be uncomfortable. Cas couldn't help but think that his height was more suitable to be held by Dean. He was smaller, he'd fit right in. Dean was rocking them gently, like he was soothing a small child and he kissed Sam's jaw.

''I started working,'' Sam said. Cas knew this because Dean couldn't shut up about Sam's graduation and his high score and his new job with the law firm. ''And you own your business, Dean. We can afford to buy a house together, _own_ a house _together_ , Dean.''

Sam was breathless, like he couldn't contain his excitement about it. ''But we can't if you don't tell Cas. You shouldn't worry about him, he's an adult and not your responsibility.''

Bile rose up in Cas's throat, and he swallowed it down.  Sam was asking Dean to leave him.

The manipulative _bitch_.

''I love you, Dean. I really want this for us,''

Dean made a noise that sounded like ''Okay'' and then he was kissing Sam, pushing him and pinning him to the counter. Sam moaned loudly when Dean placed his hands on Sam's thighs and lifted, setting Sam on top of the counter, quickly stepping between Sam's eagerly spread legs. Sam tugged at Dean's hand, pulling two fingers into his mouth and sucking hard.

 _Whore_.

Sam was loud as Dean fucked him, he screamed unabashed, clinging at Dean and asking for more.

Whore, whore, whore.

He was not taking Dean. Cas wouldn't let him.

**************************

Cas sighs and turns over again, this time facing away from Dean's room. His stomach is twisted in knots, and he feels sick. Remembering the past months as Sam strolled in and wrecked everything strengthens his resolve. He's not letting Sam have Dean.

**************************

Sam's eyes flutter, and he groans in pain, no doubt from the hit Cas has dealt to his head some time ago.

Cas watches as Sam comes about, eyes widening with panic when he realizes he's tied up and gagged. He takes in the sight of Cas and his eyes go impossibly wider, almost comical, and he struggles against the ropes holding his hands behind his back, and tries to talk. It all sounds like filthy moans from behind the cloth covering his mouth, it's fitting for a cheap whore like Sam.

''You up, princess?'' Cas sneers at him, and Sam still looks dazed, unbelieving. He looks so _pretty_ , and it makes fire rages in Cas's blood. His hand connects with Sam's cheek, the slap echoing through the small room.  

''Whore!'' Cas spits, enjoying the way Sam flinches at his tone.

''You thought I'd let you have him?'' Sam's eyes are tearing up, and he starts to shake. Good, let him be scared. He should be.

''I'm going to cut these fingers of yours for touching him,'' he threatens, pulling out his knife, and Sam makes a scared noise, like an injured animal.

Cas grins, lifts his knife up, ready to start cutting. The door bursts open, Dean falling through and barely stopping himself from connecting face first with the floor.

''Cas! What the hell, man?!'' Dean's expression is a mess of swirling emotions: fear and anger and hurt. Disappointment. Cas grips the knife harder.

''I'm doing the right thing, Dean.'' Dean will understand, he _has_ to. Cas is doing this for him ''I'm trying to help you. Can't you see what he's doing to you?'' Cas pleads.

''Calm down, Cas. Put the knife away,'' Dean's taking slow steps towards him, and Cas screams at him.

''Stay back!'' He fists one hand in Sam's hair and tugs hard, Sam hisses in pain but refuses to move, Cas pulls harder, baring Sam's long neck and placing the knife over his Adam's apple.

''Cas...''

''No, Dean! I have to do this!'' Dean will forgive him, Cas knows that. They'll laugh about it later.

''Why?'' Dean asks, and his eyes are wet.

''I'm trying to protect you! He's evil, Dean! He's trying to take you away from me!''

''Cas, look at me,'' Dean orders, his voice trembling, betraying the facade he wants to keep. Cas obeys anyway, never not following Dean.

''I love him,'' Easy as breathing, the admission falls from Dean's lips, like that's not what led to this whole mess in the first place.

Dean then pulls out a switchblade, and Cas knows this item. He bought it for Dean when he turned twenty. Dean had seen it on the web and chattered about it forever, Cas had gone and bought the damn thing. Dean's been carrying in around for the past eight years.

Dean cranes his neck sideway, just a little, and lifts the blade. Pressing the edge above his jugular, right on the pulse. Dean's not looking at him anymore, but at Sam. The green eyes Cas fell in love with so long ago gazing adoringly at someone else.

Dean's next words are spoken to him, but he's staring at Sam.

''If you cut him, I'll bleed too,'' he says, so soft like it's a lover's promise. ''I'm not going anywhere without him. You kill him, I die along.''

Sam starts crying then, tears and sobs and heaving shoulders, his speech is held by the gag but it's obvious what he's repeating. ''No, Dean, No.'' He keeps it up, over and over and Cas feels lost. He cries, too. knife falling out of his hand to the ground, the iron clicks when it hits the floor and Dean wrenches Sam from him. Immediately cutting the ropes, and removing the gag.

''I'm sorry, Sammy,'' he's saying, and Sam's clinging to him and babbling ''Not your fault. Love you, Dean. Love you so much, thought I wouldn’t see you again.''

Cas sits there on the cold floor, and it likes he's seeing them for the first time. They fit like this, bodies entwined, Sam's legs folded on the ground and Dean sitting on his haunches. He's taller than Sam like this, and Sam's head is tucked under his chin as he cries and cries. Dean shushing him, petting his hair. ''It's okay, Sammy, it's okay.''

Cas stares at the blade he bought for Dean, and his ears catches the sound of sirens getting closer. Cops. He starts laughing, hiccupping and his tears are still flowing down. This is appropriate.  

He's the villain in the story, and Dean's blade is on the floor. He reaches for it and his hand is held by Dean.

''Don't,'' Dean says, unfair like he always is. The cops rush in, guns pointed at Castiel. He looks at Dean and sees the love his friend has for him, something that was never enough. Love, hurt, care, sadness. Never enough.

The cuffs sit heavy around his wrists and he looks back at Dean as they lead him to the car.

Dean is not looking at him.

He's looking at Sam.

Love, care, tenderness, relief, gratefulness, desire, elation. _Infatuation_.

Dean is looking at Sam. He always will.  

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me how you felt about this story! I'm on tumblr as [Nisaki-Chan](https://nisaki-chan.tumblr.com/)


End file.
